Old philosophical thoughts from my notebook || Antiguos pensamientos filosóficos de mi cuaderno

I believe that The Man is the most unlucky being of the planet. That considering the luck exist. That is like this from the moment He got the ability of reason, to think. We could say, then, since forever.
Why? Would you ask. Because he is condemned to give a reason to everything. To live without understand what surrounds Him it provokes so much angst to him, so much pain, that before assume and confront it, he will try to find any possible answer, imaginary and invented but real in his mind before than suffer. They don't realize that is ignorance. Or well said, to deny to live a part of the life: the non-sense. The contradiction. The feelings.

But how are you going to deny to yourself to live something you are already living? How are you going to Not reject when you are already rejecting? You can't get rid of the feelings because when you feel that you don't want to feel, you are already feeling. If we deny or we want to deny the existence of something is because that something already exists. And the more you want to deny it, the more it exists.

The most wretched people are always those who struggle the most to understand everything and chose something. They don't realize that when they choose they turn their back on something... and contradictions exist. To deny is to affirm.

We can only Do. To Think.

Nothing else matters: There is no right. There is no wrong. Things Are. They Exist.
If everything is clear, once to this point I want to ask you a question: why do you keep saying to me what do I have to do or what do I don't have to do with my feelings?

A "Have to / Must to " is a rule created for understand something. It is created for point out what is right or what is wrong. Didn't we agreed that is a moral basis for to follow a path and turn our backs on another one and that when we do it we reaffirm all this contradictory controversy?

The feelings exist. They can't be denied. They can't not exist. And I can't heed you because love exist, it's a contradiction, it's different for everybody and everybody live it how they know. And I don't know other thing than let it be. I don't know other thing than to not understand this non-sense, to live it just like it is and to suffer without be able to give it a definition. Knowing that I will never be able to give it one. Well, I will be able to give it one, but then I'll be another wretched who pretends to understand what it can't be understood.

It has to be accepted that Love  is like this, like life. It only exist. It only is. Everything else are excuses, lies.

And I only want to love. I only want to love him and cry. And laugh. And feel. I only want this to flow in me. Let it exists and feed my life. Although I know I will never possess it and I will always yearn it and desire it.

Let me do. Let me live.
Only I can do it. If not, who would I be?

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Creo que el Hombre es el ser con más mala suerte del planeta. Eso considerando que la suerte existe. Ésto es así desde el momento en que éste tuvo la capacidad de pensar, razonar. Podríamos decir, entonces, que desde siempre ¿Por qué? os preguntaréis. Porque está condenado a razonar todo. Vivir sin entender lo que le rodea le provoca tal angustia, tanto dolor, que antes que asumirlo y afrontarlo intentará buscar cualquier respuesta posible, imaginaria e inventada pero real en sus mentes antes que sufrir. No se dan cuenta que eso es ignorancia. O mejor dicho, negarse a vivir una parte de la vida: el sinsentido. La contradicción. Los sentimientos.

Pero, ¿Cómo vas a negarte a vivir algo que ya estás viviendo? ¿Cómo vas a No rechazar cuando ya estás rechazando?
No puedes deshacerte de los sentimientos porque cuando sientes que no quieres sentir, ya estás sintiendo. Si negamos o queremos negar la existencia de algo es porque ese algo ya existe. Y cuanto más quieras negarlo, más existente será-

Los más desdichados son siempre aquellos que más se esfuerzan en entenderlo todo y decantarse por algo. No se dan cuenta que al decantarse le están dando la espalda a algo... y las contradicciones existen. Negarlo es afirmarlo.

Sólo podemos Hacer. Pensar.

Todo lo demás no importa: no hay bien. No hay mal. Las cosas Son. Existen.
Si todo esto ha quedado claro, llegados a este punto quiero hacer una pregunta: ¿por qué seguís diciéndome lo que debo o no debo hacer con mis sentimientos?

Un "deber" es una norma creada para entender algo. Creado para señalar lo que está bien o lo que está mal. ¿No quedamos en que eso es una base moral para seguir un camino y darle la espalda a otro y que, al hacer eso, reafirmamos toda esta contradictoria controversia?

Los sentimientos existen. No pueden negarse. No pueden no existir. Y yo no puedo haceros caso porque el amor existe, es una contradicción, es diferente para todos y cada uno lo vive como sabe. Y yo no sé otra cosa que dejar Ser. No sé hacer otra cosa que no entender este sin sentido, vivirlo como tal y sufrir sin poder darle una definición. Sabiendo que jamás se la podré dar. Bueno, podré dársela, pero eso me hará otra desdichada que pretende entender lo que no se puede entender.

Hay que aceptar que el Amor es así, como la vida. Sólo existe, Sólo es. Todo lo demás son excusas, mentiras.

Y yo sólo quiero amar. Sólo quiero amarle y llorar. Y reír. Y sentir. Sólo quiero que eso fluya en mi. Que exista y alimente mi vida. Aunque sepa que nunca vaya a poseerlo y siempre lo anhele y lo desee.

Dejadme hacer. Dejadme vivir.
Sólo yo puedo. Sino, ¿quién sería yo?

Energy

I feel it filling me.

Slowly.

Boom.

Boom.

It's coming. It's growing.

Faster.

Boom. Boom. Boom.

My feet start rocking.
My knees hold the rhythm and spread it to my hips which moves in Tic Tac's, like a pendulum.

My stomach feels the  strength, my heart is beating.

Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom.

Faster.


My shoulders follow the hips.
The electricity keeps my moving.

Non Stop.
More and more.

The energy flows towards my body.
Explodes in my mind.

I can't think, no more.

Feel it deeply, Follow it. Melt with it.
Until it explode.

Boom Boom Boom...
Boom Boom Boom...
Boom Boom Boom...

The Simplicity of Love and Existence

One day, in a future summer evening, I was invited to a dinner with some special friends.

The afternoon was peaceful.
The wind was soft and made the pines leaves dance slowly, making them play an harmonious song.
The sunlight, in an eternal night sunset, accompanied with the glowing candle’s light placed in the room, was warm.
The wood house, even though it was a little bit dusty and messy, felt as a sure and cozy place. And the smell of the delicious organic food we were going to eat kept me awake in this magical and half invented paradise. 

The people was arriving time to time while I was helping a bit tidying up the table and finishing the dinner.
In the end, we all sat down and started talking with the ones who surrounded us, in a very fluent and natural manner. 

In the corner of the sofa, I enjoyed observing all the small details which, all together, made me feel in a dream: the laughs, the comfortable half silence half nature sounds on the back ground, the fourth elements in balance, the lights, the shadows, the humanity, the love... It made me feel like crying because of the strong happiness in the core of my chest.
My heart was beating rhythmically.


I left the room and went to the kitchen, pretending I wanted some more something, when I actually only needed some loneliness to understand, calm and settle down my emotions.
I always loved to stand and look trough the window.
I felt quite hypnotized and better with the small break. And then he came in.
He brought some empty dirty dishes and left them in the sink. Then he turned around and stared at me.
I knew that his acts were as pretentious as mines. He came to find me, curious of my mood. That’s the way he is: sensitive and aware of what surrounds him, caring and acting always in silence.

- I am perfectly fine – I answered in silence, with a sweet and kind smile.

Our eyes were sparkling, showing our shining souls inside.
Then, we hugged each other and hold our hands for a while, in a very soft touch, being closer and aligned than ever.

I wasn’t caught in my body anymore. I wasn’t there but everywhere instead.
I felt dizzy at the beginning, when all my energies and soul went out and melted with the whole.

I was floating.

I am glad we Exist.

Spring in Winter || Primavera en Invierno

Today is my fourth consecutive day without going outside. I’ve barely left the room which now, and for a while, is my new home.

Is not that I dislike people or outdoors. I do not suffer agoraphobia or something like that. On the contrary, I love the nature, to feel the warm ray of sunlight in this supposed cold winter here in the north and perceiving the light from every perspective and corner. And if it’s cloudy I also like to feel the cold in my checks. Not at all how my feet freeze. And of course, it’s always nice to be around those who I love and appreciate. My new friends are lovely. In fact, every day I miss them a little bit because all of them have to tell thousand things; they are very kind little persons, pacific and whom, in my opinion, are very interesting. That’s why, there’s always a moment when I feel bored if I’m not sharing a bit of my time with them.

 

But today is different.

My host family went out during these winter holiday week and my friends are busy working, studying or just living their life... And I believe this was The opportunity the Universe wanted to give me for to be alone. Completely.

Me with myself and nobody else. With my thoughts, my memories, my ideas, my body and my being.

In other circumstances I would have felt lonely and lost, wasting my time. Anxious, stressed, nervous.

 

 But not anymore. I don’t feel lonely anymore because I’ve already found myself. I have myself now. These week of faint light and darkness, of music and silence, of creation, calm and, in summary, of full life, without the noise of the society; away from the negative energies which used to surround me and which it was so difficult to escape from; without the incessant insecurity of my mind quieten down my intuition, my emotions and senses, it has allowed me to be in harmony with myself and, in consequence, with all the rest. It has allowed me to see my wounds and heal them or accept those scars which never will abandon me.

 

Today I achieved, finally, to be fine with myself, without no one else.

 

It doesn’t matter anymore if there outside the sun bright, it rains or it snows. It doesn’t matter the cold or the warm, either if it has passed by almost a month since I’ve seen that person who makes me feel myself, without pretensions or double meanings.

 

It doesn’t matter because there’s no place warmer and more cozy than this. There’s no place where the light bright more than here or where the shadows embrace me with its mantle and they spoil me in the darkness.

 

Today is different. Today it doesn’t matter all those things because in this cold winter today is spring... in my heart.

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Hoy es mi cuarto día consecutivo sin salir de casa. A penas he salido de esta habitación que ahora, y por un tiempo, es mi nuevo hogar.
No es que me desagrade la gente o el aire libre. No sufro de agorafobia o algo así. Más bien al contrario: me encanta la naturaleza, sentir los cálidos rayos de sol en este supuesto frío invierno aquí en el norte y percibir la luz desde cada nueva perspectiva y rincón. Y si está nublado, también me gusta sentir el frío en mis mejillas. No tanto sentir como se hielan mis pies. Y por supuesto, siempre es agradable estar rodada de aquellos a los que quiero y aprecio. Mis nuevos amigos son encantadores. De hecho, cada día les hecho un poquito de menos porque todos ellos tienen mil cosas por contarme; son unas personitas muy amables, pacíficas y que a mi me resultan muy interesantes. Por eso, siempre hay algún momento que me resulta aburrido si no comparto un poquito de mi tiempo con ellos.

Pero hoy es diferente.
Mi familia de acogida se ha ido a esquiar durante esta semana de vacaciones de invierno y mis amigos están ocupados trabajando, estudiando o, simplemente, viviendo sus vidas... Y creo que ésta era La oportunidad que el Universo quería brindarme para estar sola. Completamente.
Yo conmigo y nadie más. Con mis pensamientos, con mis recuerdos, con mis ideas, con mi cuerpo y mi ser.
En otras circunstancias me habría sentido sola y perdida, desperdiciando mi tiempo. Ansiosa, estresada, nerviosa.

Pero ya no. Ya no me siento sola porque ya me he encontrado a mi misma. Ya me tengo a mi.
Esta semana de luz y oscuridad tenues, de música y silencio, de creación, de calma y, en definitiva, de vida plena, sin el ruido de la sociedad; lejos de las energías negativas que solían rodearme y de las que tanto me costó escapar; sin la incesante inseguridad de mi mente acallando a mi intuición, mis emociones y sentidos, me ha permitido estar en armonía conmigo y, en consecuencia, con todo lo demás. Me ha permitido ver mis heridas y curarlas o aceptar esas cicatrices que nunca me abandonarán.

Hoy he conseguido, por fin, estar bien conmigo misma, sin necesitar a nadie más.

Ya no importa si ahí fuera el sol brilla, llueve o nieva. No importa el frío o el calor, tampoco si hace ya casi un mes que veo o hablo apropiadamente con aquella persona que me hace sentir yo misma, sin pretensiones o dobles sentidos.

Ya no importa porque no hay lugar más cálido y acogedor que este. No hay lugar donde la luz brille tanto como aquí o donde las sombras me acojan con su manto y me mimen en la oscuridad.

Hoy es diferente. Hoy ya no importan todas esas cosas porque en este frío invierno hoy es primavera... en mi corazón.