The Simplicity of Love and Existence

One day, in a future summer evening, I was invited to a dinner with some special friends.

The afternoon was peaceful.
The wind was soft and made the pines leaves dance slowly, making them play an harmonious song.
The sunlight, in an eternal night sunset, accompanied with the glowing candle’s light placed in the room, was warm.
The wood house, even though it was a little bit dusty and messy, felt as a sure and cozy place. And the smell of the delicious organic food we were going to eat kept me awake in this magical and half invented paradise. 

The people was arriving time to time while I was helping a bit tidying up the table and finishing the dinner.
In the end, we all sat down and started talking with the ones who surrounded us, in a very fluent and natural manner. 

In the corner of the sofa, I enjoyed observing all the small details which, all together, made me feel in a dream: the laughs, the comfortable half silence half nature sounds on the back ground, the fourth elements in balance, the lights, the shadows, the humanity, the love... It made me feel like crying because of the strong happiness in the core of my chest.
My heart was beating rhythmically.


I left the room and went to the kitchen, pretending I wanted some more something, when I actually only needed some loneliness to understand, calm and settle down my emotions.
I always loved to stand and look trough the window.
I felt quite hypnotized and better with the small break. And then he came in.
He brought some empty dirty dishes and left them in the sink. Then he turned around and stared at me.
I knew that his acts were as pretentious as mines. He came to find me, curious of my mood. That’s the way he is: sensitive and aware of what surrounds him, caring and acting always in silence.

- I am perfectly fine – I answered in silence, with a sweet and kind smile.

Our eyes were sparkling, showing our shining souls inside.
Then, we hugged each other and hold our hands for a while, in a very soft touch, being closer and aligned than ever.

I wasn’t caught in my body anymore. I wasn’t there but everywhere instead.
I felt dizzy at the beginning, when all my energies and soul went out and melted with the whole.

I was floating.

I am glad we Exist.

Spring in Winter || Primavera en Invierno

Today is my fourth consecutive day without going outside. I’ve barely left the room which now, and for a while, is my new home.

Is not that I dislike people or outdoors. I do not suffer agoraphobia or something like that. On the contrary, I love the nature, to feel the warm ray of sunlight in this supposed cold winter here in the north and perceiving the light from every perspective and corner. And if it’s cloudy I also like to feel the cold in my checks. Not at all how my feet freeze. And of course, it’s always nice to be around those who I love and appreciate. My new friends are lovely. In fact, every day I miss them a little bit because all of them have to tell thousand things; they are very kind little persons, pacific and whom, in my opinion, are very interesting. That’s why, there’s always a moment when I feel bored if I’m not sharing a bit of my time with them.

 

But today is different.

My host family went out during these winter holiday week and my friends are busy working, studying or just living their life... And I believe this was The opportunity the Universe wanted to give me for to be alone. Completely.

Me with myself and nobody else. With my thoughts, my memories, my ideas, my body and my being.

In other circumstances I would have felt lonely and lost, wasting my time. Anxious, stressed, nervous.

 

 But not anymore. I don’t feel lonely anymore because I’ve already found myself. I have myself now. These week of faint light and darkness, of music and silence, of creation, calm and, in summary, of full life, without the noise of the society; away from the negative energies which used to surround me and which it was so difficult to escape from; without the incessant insecurity of my mind quieten down my intuition, my emotions and senses, it has allowed me to be in harmony with myself and, in consequence, with all the rest. It has allowed me to see my wounds and heal them or accept those scars which never will abandon me.

 

Today I achieved, finally, to be fine with myself, without no one else.

 

It doesn’t matter anymore if there outside the sun bright, it rains or it snows. It doesn’t matter the cold or the warm, either if it has passed by almost a month since I’ve seen that person who makes me feel myself, without pretensions or double meanings.

 

It doesn’t matter because there’s no place warmer and more cozy than this. There’s no place where the light bright more than here or where the shadows embrace me with its mantle and they spoil me in the darkness.

 

Today is different. Today it doesn’t matter all those things because in this cold winter today is spring... in my heart.

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Hoy es mi cuarto día consecutivo sin salir de casa. A penas he salido de esta habitación que ahora, y por un tiempo, es mi nuevo hogar.
No es que me desagrade la gente o el aire libre. No sufro de agorafobia o algo así. Más bien al contrario: me encanta la naturaleza, sentir los cálidos rayos de sol en este supuesto frío invierno aquí en el norte y percibir la luz desde cada nueva perspectiva y rincón. Y si está nublado, también me gusta sentir el frío en mis mejillas. No tanto sentir como se hielan mis pies. Y por supuesto, siempre es agradable estar rodada de aquellos a los que quiero y aprecio. Mis nuevos amigos son encantadores. De hecho, cada día les hecho un poquito de menos porque todos ellos tienen mil cosas por contarme; son unas personitas muy amables, pacíficas y que a mi me resultan muy interesantes. Por eso, siempre hay algún momento que me resulta aburrido si no comparto un poquito de mi tiempo con ellos.

Pero hoy es diferente.
Mi familia de acogida se ha ido a esquiar durante esta semana de vacaciones de invierno y mis amigos están ocupados trabajando, estudiando o, simplemente, viviendo sus vidas... Y creo que ésta era La oportunidad que el Universo quería brindarme para estar sola. Completamente.
Yo conmigo y nadie más. Con mis pensamientos, con mis recuerdos, con mis ideas, con mi cuerpo y mi ser.
En otras circunstancias me habría sentido sola y perdida, desperdiciando mi tiempo. Ansiosa, estresada, nerviosa.

Pero ya no. Ya no me siento sola porque ya me he encontrado a mi misma. Ya me tengo a mi.
Esta semana de luz y oscuridad tenues, de música y silencio, de creación, de calma y, en definitiva, de vida plena, sin el ruido de la sociedad; lejos de las energías negativas que solían rodearme y de las que tanto me costó escapar; sin la incesante inseguridad de mi mente acallando a mi intuición, mis emociones y sentidos, me ha permitido estar en armonía conmigo y, en consecuencia, con todo lo demás. Me ha permitido ver mis heridas y curarlas o aceptar esas cicatrices que nunca me abandonarán.

Hoy he conseguido, por fin, estar bien conmigo misma, sin necesitar a nadie más.

Ya no importa si ahí fuera el sol brilla, llueve o nieva. No importa el frío o el calor, tampoco si hace ya casi un mes que veo o hablo apropiadamente con aquella persona que me hace sentir yo misma, sin pretensiones o dobles sentidos.

Ya no importa porque no hay lugar más cálido y acogedor que este. No hay lugar donde la luz brille tanto como aquí o donde las sombras me acojan con su manto y me mimen en la oscuridad.

Hoy es diferente. Hoy ya no importan todas esas cosas porque en este frío invierno hoy es primavera... en mi corazón.

The Truth. Two parts of the same Soul

I felt.

The nerves on my stomach.

The anxiety in my chest.

A lump in my throat, product of a drowned weeping which didn’t reach to escape.

And an imperative need to write goes over my fingers that it quickly slide over the keyboard.

He.

He has too much power over me.

I don’t know who is, was or is he going to be.

I don’t know what is he thinking about. I don’t know what is he feeling, what is he hiding. What are his intentions.

I

I am scared.

And by writing this words my hair stands on end. Not the discovery, but this emotion acknowledgment  go through my spine. And my lump aggravates.

I’m divided.

Mind, Intuition and Heart.

My Mind repudiates him. It feels rejection by everything that he writes. He’s cynical and sarcastic. Egocentric. Lustful. Lacking from emotions or rather lacking from kindness. It’s only a way of having fun or, well said, for evading, escaping  from the Truth.

The second one, the Intuition, he avoids it.

He’s scared too. He’s insecure and confused.

The same as me.

However, its signs are loud and strong.

He sees me all the time, without seeing me. He knows what I think, without reading or listening to my words. His intuition smells me and feels me, without touching me.

And it happens the same to me.

He closes his eyes.

I close them too.

The mind speaks too much. It only attracts the anger to my body, negative energies as nerves and anxiety. But not the tears, as it spring up from the depth of the Heart.

Then, He get carried by the Intuition and so I do too.

In that moment the Mind fall silent and everything surrounding is calm.

The nerves dissipated and there where once was anxiety, now there is peace.

A Heart which beats rhythmically  non-stop. It plays and sing a song.

The intuition, which listens carefully wise, presage: you Love her/him.

And there where once was a lump in the throat, a sigh escapes. And another one. And another one. It became faster, more intense. The hair stands on end all over again.

Letting go all the negative. An incredible deep feeling invades me, happily.

That is the Truth.

Doesn’t matter time or space. Doesn’t matter what the mind shouts.

The Heart is quiet and it has always been because it always knew the Truth.

Love is always something beyond the limits; beyond the limits of the matter and beyond the limits of the mind linked of the world’s thoughts. That is why it is attached to the intuition.

And He also knows that Truth.

He always knew it.

And so did I.

Both of us.

We know it, without know it. We feel it.

Two parts of the same Being, of the same Soul.

We are One.

SuperMoon

We were sitting on a beach bank, hearing the noisy train behind us. 

I was hypnotized by the supermoon that was shining bright in the blue sky, by the kindness of your words which made me laugh at sometimes and by the sweet smell of your existence which made me feel relaxed.

We were sitting on a beach bank, hearing the sea waves crashing against the sand.

You were telling me about Antarctica, the penguins and a lot another stuff. The conversation was fluent, between questions, explanations and silence times.

At that time, I realized the reality was perfect just the way it was. 

I didn't had to invent or use my imagination to turn the things more beautiful than they were because that's exactly how they were in their natural essence.

We were sitting on a beach bank, when we decided to come back. 

We were just together for a while and then we walked different paths.

However, no matter how far from each other we are. The moon will be always over us.

And you will be always in my heart.

Trapped in Love

The feeling appeared and it was installed as a software.

My brain thought about it and couldn't understand it. 

My body tried and couldn't stand it. 

Once analyzed, they called it virus. 

They rejected it and wanted to delete it. 

I tried to take it out just because I wanted to be cured, healthy and finally safe. 

But my heart denied the action. 

It just pounded and said: No. I like this taste. This insane adrenalin makes me feel alive. 

I've been hooked to this drug. And I'm not going to let it go. 

It called it love. 

And since then I'm still trapped.

Paseos nocturnos en la playa

Me invitaste a tu pueblo de veraneo. Bueno, en realidad no lo hiciste: me autoinvité. Te dije si te aburrías en una de esas noches en las que te vi conectado, algo extraño, pues no tienes internet allí, sólo cuando usas el móvil de tu padre como wi-fi. Te dije que si te aburrías mucho podía ir a hacerte una visita, así nos aburríamos juntos y, a la vez, nos desaburríamos un rato. Fue extraño, como siempre. Empezó como broma, pero al final allí estaba yo, en una casa en la playa, contigo.

Fue sólo un fin de semana. Por las mañanas nos levantamos para ir a visitar algo de los alrededores, para bañarnos y tomar el sol, para inventarnos historias y reírnos de la gente, para hablar de nuestros amigos y de lo que estaba siendo el verano.

Y entonces llegó la noche del último día. La noche anterior habíamos salido con tus amigos a los chiringuitos que había en el pueblo de al lado, pero ese día estábamos demasiado cansados como para salir a brincar y a hacer el tonto. Acumulamos cansancio del día anterior y el sol no ayudó a reponernos en ese día. Aún así, eso no nos detuvo para dar un paseo nocturno por la playa.

Eran las dos de la noche, caminábamos descalzos sobre la húmeda arena y las frías piedras. En silencio, escuchábamos el mar, las olas, y mirábamos el cielo estrellado y la luna creciente. Al lado del mar hacía un poco de frío para mi gusto, pero estábamos muy bien. Estábamos tranquilos. Tanto que incluso podríamos habernos dormido mientras caminábamos. Ya íbamos a dar media vuelta cuando te pregunté si tenías música en tu móvil. Respondiste que no. No importó: eso no detuvo a mi mente para imaginarse las canciones perfectas para ese momento.

Había pasado un par de días muy alegres, divertidos y entretenidos, sin ninguna intención de que ocurriese nada. Claro que, en mi mente siempre pasaban cosas. Momentos que me imaginaba, situaciones comprometidas, sucesos divertidos y extraños. Un sinfín de cosas que no llegarían a pasar nunca. Supongo que en ese momento de tal cansancio y tranquilidad, dejé libre a mi subconsciente y me cogí de tu brazo, sin haber preguntado por tu permiso previamente. No dijiste nada ni te apartaste. Continuamos caminando tranquila y silenciosamente por la playa. A ratos iba apoyando mi cabeza en tu brazo también, ya no sé si por cansancio o porque buscaba un poco de… algo. Quizá eran ambas cosas.

Estaba tan bien… era todo tan idílico, tan irreal… como una de esas situaciones que imaginaba en algún momento de silencio. Pero esto era de verdad. Yo estaba allí. Tú estabas ahí. Conmigo. Contigo. Juntos. The only momento we were alone.

Y yo no quería seguir caminando. No. No era porque estuviese cansada: era porque no quería que terminase ese momento. Quería seguir escuchando esa melodía en mi cabeza, las olas, sentir el frescor del aire en mi cuerpo, tu presencia, la noche, el silencio. Todo.

- ¿Podemos sentarnos un rato? – Pregunté, soltándote del brazo, a medio camino de llegar.- Es que aún no quiero irme a dormir… - me excusé sin querer inventarme alguna explicación.

Me miró somnoliento con su media sonrisa y asintió con un “hm”.

Nos sentamos en la arena y yo suspiré sin motivo. Estaba como en trance mirando el mar y el cielo. En ese momento sólo quería mirarte a ti. Llenarme de ti. De tu todo. ¿Qué hacía yo allí? ¿Cómo había conseguido que las cosas acabasen bien entre nosotros? Tan bien como para estar pasando una noche de ensueño…

- ¿Tienes sueño? – le miré y le pregunté al cabo de un rato, esperando la respuesta más obvia. El me miró medio apoyado en sus brazos, apoyados en sus piernas, y contestó con otro “hm”. -¿Vamos a dormir?

Pero esta vez no dijo nada. Ni siquiera contestó con un “hm”. Y nos miramos largamente. Pero yo le sonreí y me levanté, sacudiéndome la arena de la ropa. Sacudiendo de mi mente aquel beso tan profundo y duradero. Aquel escalofriante momento que deseaba tantísimo que llegase. Aquel momento en el que, finalmente, caminábamos de vuelta cogiéndonos de la mano, entrelazando nuestros dedos. Sacudiendo de mi mente toda esta historia que, como tantas otras, he inventado.

Es triste. Sí. Es triste que acabe así. Pero más triste es saber que nada de esto ha pasado. Que es otra estúpida historia de mi imaginación mientras escuchaba una (o varias) canción. De mis deseos por estar contigo. De lo que te echo de menos.

¿Por qué te amo tanto…?

The End Of This Story - It's over between us

...but now I know I won't give to you that. Never. And that's why this is the end of this story.

Thank you for all the memories. It was nice to fall in love again. It was nice to know that  people like  you still exist. 

Takk...